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April 29 a demented hourglassI've decided to share last nights' dream because it scared me.
Last night I had a series of dreams which seemed to all intertwine... here is one.
I lay in a matress downstairs in my brothers room. My mother was also there. We weren't in the bedroom part but in the living room area, on the thin navy carpet. A cluster of different sounds bounced off the walls of the room but I could'nt see anybody else there. It felt like I was in a crowded room, when really, only my mother and I were there.
She wore her light purple track pants, soft pink muscle top, and her Nike sports shoes. 'Emily... now we have to be extra safe every night. You know what she can do. You know what she has tried to do. Be safe now. Be safe.' Those words when read seem dangerous but she said it in a calm and joking tone. I remember falling asleep on that old mattress. We used it when we first came to New Zealand and we had no beds to sleep on. This 'happening', this thing to be afraid of; I had already lived through it several times. In the back of my mind I knew what my mum was talking about but at the front where thought was going on... I was questioning. Just before I fell asleep the image of my mother waving me goodnight and closing the door imprinted itself under my eyelids. A few things didn't fit in that image. The door she was closing was plain and white, not like the door downstairs in my brother's room. His door is ancient. It has a small lion with a handle stuck on to its' grey wooden surface... sounds deadly when knocked. The cieling also had many lights. My brother's room is rarely lighted. Lying on my right side, completely flustered, I awoke. Now, I was in my new room. My new bed. I saw that horrible lady, my mother, standing at my bed end with an old fasioned light. She wore the same clothing. Her hair was the same. But her shape had been moulded. Remember when you were a little child and you use to look in to a special mirror, and it would stretch you, or make you really fat? My mother now looked like a demented hourglass. I started yelping for my mum. 'Mmmm.. MMMMM!', but my lips would not open. Shut tight. She placed an oversized medical mask over her mouth and pressed it down. The harder she seemed to press it, the less I could speak. We were connected. In my mind I yelled for my mother. I yelled loud. I was crying inside. Her eyes showed that she had plans for me. Suddenly I noticed that my feet were tied with a thick white rope. I was restricted to move. Something was pushing my legs down to the bed, but the rope was not tied to the bed. I could just imagine her taking me out of the sheets and carrying me somewhere. She would use her powers of connection to do something to me. I really did wake up, another time. I looked around at my nightly surroundings. No lady. But I could feel her presence. I curled up into a ball and made sure I was completely hidden under the sheets and that no body part was hanging over the sides of my bed. Nothing can grasp nothing when nothing is there. After about 10 minutes of wondering what had happened, I talked myself in to believing it was just a dream. I thought that maybe I could walk over to my mums room and check that she wasn't a demented hourglass and that no ancient lights had met her hands... but I feared the long walk through the hallway. The fear was real. Before this dream... Last night I had a series of dreams which seemed to all intertwine. In one part of this dream, I was in the old version of my room, looking at a pair of earings. They had dark green stones with silver beads around the stones, and inbetween the silver beads and green stones were many lime coloured translucent shapes. Today we were looking through shops and I saw those earings, but they were brown. Odd. April 27 Isn't it.I refuse to continue on this animal abuse.
I wish we actually wrote something Like, about my granddad and
Cute.
Look. The space on the side. It's there for a purpose. It's for all those thoughts that can't be put in to words And it's for whatever else you may come up with. Actually, the buttons here don't help much with where I put what April 26 Surprise?April 24th, 2005...
Lily, Cindy and Emily...
Organized a surprise part.
Twas fun. Because, Lily already knew about it....
So we go to the cinema with all these people... Lily's friends mainly, and a few of mine. We arrive... and Lily hides. Cindy came late, so we had to master the 'fake surprise', since she was supposed to be there to help me out...
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Surprise!
She was a good actress... until she pulled out the few hundred dollars we needed for the movie.
'Lily! Where'd you get all that money from?' 'Oh... Emily told me to bring it. *shrug*' -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Back: Lily.
And in the background you see a vending machine sort of thing. Once upon a time, Lily and I spent over TEN BUX trying to win a phone from that useless thing. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Anyhoo... Everything got settled once we all got to know eachother.
New guy: Miguel
And.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
What's that grey thing doing there? Must be my editing. Oh well. The head of hair you see there, it was terrorised. Poor poor John. But his hair was oh so funky to touch...
I think he hates me now.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
That explains it. Attitude, Cindy, Attiude!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Cindy and Lily, having fun in my room. We were sorting the gifts lily got at her... 'surprise' party. She gave us some. Such a kind lil thing!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Almost got my room on fire.
Ah well. Lily left us. To China. To China!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- April 25 UghFurious.
I can't go to the beach tomorrow with a friend and his friends.
Why? Because buses are 'unsafe', even when I'm there with friends. Even when I'm there with someone older than me and much stronger than me. And I don't think they're worried that he's going to hurt me. I think they've been brainwashed that today life is so dangerous for 'little' girls like me. Girls who can't protect themselves because they are oh so fragile and oh so stupid and oh so fucking unaware of how to save themselves.
When I was eight, I couldn't go to sleep overs with new made friends because apparently the parents were 'dangerous'. My granddad had a spazz today about how my mother's letting me go 'dangerous' places. The beach. Dangerous. Oh yeah. >=(. I don't understand them. When I was 11, I wasn't allowed to walk to school by myself. I was 11 and they encrypted their words in to my head. 'Not until you're 14'. Well, now I'm walking to school by myself. It's about time. I always use to look at five year olds gracefully walking along and I use to think... what have they got that I don't? Turns out, what do I NOT have. I don't have calm parents. So here I am, nice and old, nice and 13. Birthday isn't that far away. I know I won't be allowed to do much when I'm 14. What's this about? Keeping me housed up? Isolating me? I won't have a real boyfriend that I can tell them about until I'm 24. Seems that's what's happening with my brother.
Right now my granddad is lecturing my mother about what she should do. I reckon she should just tell him to piss off and get on with mothering me herself. She's alot more updated with what goes on in the 21st century. He's too old to know what happiness these days is.
This kind of parenting is what causes children to lie and to sneak out. Because they can never go out with friends, somewhere further than 100 m from their own house. Or the mall. (Exaggerated, yes, but I must). 'Emily, organize a movie tomorrow with all your friends. Your grandparents can drive you there'. Does my mother have any consideration, at all? I've already put my friend through enough bother to be able to organize something else, just because I can.
Life is so boring and so frustating because of this. I can't peacefully talk and negotiate with the grandparents and with the mother because of how they talk back. They just start yelling. It's not talking. This switches me back to yell mode, too. Ugh.\\
UGH.
April 24 Power Colour
Tell me your result... April 23 You and me BabyYou and me baby ain't nothing but mammals
So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel
-Bloodhound Gang April 21 And, here we are...Okay, this font fits.
I feel happy. I feel calm. I feel complete.
Reason- I'm on holiday and I've just realised that I don't have much homework at all. Nobody hates me.... nobody that I am aware of. There are good songs on the radio. They're depressing but when you're in a complete mood... depressing is good. It makes you realise that you're not like that.
My friend is coming over soon. She shall stay *calculates*... around 12 hours. Around, because I don't know how much we'll sleep, and if we'll sleep at all. Bro's got Southpark which we shall watch if we're in the mood for something silly.
I sort of feel sorry for my diary. Diaries* (9...)
There's so much hate and revenge in there. I was satisfied when I wrote that ugly stuff. I still am happy that I wrote that stuff. I have a few people who could be my diary... but I'd rather not flood them. I try not to, but sometimes the water is in need of advice... d'ya get me?
"I'm only happy when it rains!"
Yes. We're all bored. Life is boring when it's uneventful. So here I am. Here we are. The internet and I. You and I. Blog world and I. Radio and I... bored! Want to see that the world really is bored? Here's one source of evidence... -clickage here-.
What is there to do?
I find that what most people are doing is not on that list. Such as being bored. That has become an activity. Pathetic!
SO bored.
Are YOU an emotional eater too? What about an emotional non eater? An emotional starver? I find that sometimes when I'm severly emotional to one side... I forget about food! Such as when I'm so, so BORED. Such as now. Right now. Forgive me if it's rubbing off on to you ^_^. Run along now. Wouldn't want to die from starvation, now would we? April 17 it engulfs meradio playing at this time of night
as I'm watching my lost friend
at the other side of the world
I sit in a chair and she at a desk
at computers, both bored and both on holiday... ... we're so the same, and so far apart
brother's sleeping beneath my floors
musn't type too hard, so I draw instead
nobody's talking now, it's 11:00pm
parents are at peace, finally, sleeping close
my friend's logged off, and I'm still here equipped with an ink pen to ease my boredom you are my tool, sorry I have used you
these past 2 years
surely you don't care, your wooden pages
dead
Like the trees outside which do not rustle
Can not hear more than the radio 'Learn to fly...'
famous voices fill the ears of thousands crush the singing dreams of several... ease the boredom and add a tone of coloured grey
to this dull, black night
my light, it diminishes the disability
of my eyes
my status now is busy. Who cares? Only 2 addicts remain online.
'live and breathe for me!'
Life support. What about daily fumes with chemicals diffusing in to air-
we breathe.
Damaging computer screens, so irresistable
-an unlimited world... yet we still remain bored?
How.
'Switch'
Light off.
I somehow write.
Dare not move... camera might drop and crash to pieces like the hearts of many left unnoticed
unfixed.
Bang. Sounds like a stranger
climbing on my roof.
After me. After my materialistic life filled with technology. Rarely do I leave this pale arrangement of walls. Dark now and I feel like a filthy prisoner nolonger imprisoned for I have escaped writing under candlelight. dim. under sheets of garbage bag surrounded by a brick alleyway wall.
I shall sleep tonight and then awake
to another engulfing day, other songs to fill ears
More damaging screens to meet the eyes
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